Up And Down In AKLEINCNEY's World

Cheated

A lot happening lasts week. I don't know whether I want to put it down here. But it should be useful if in the future the thing happend again. I never ever dream that this was happening to me. And you could't guess it right either. "Kenny cheated on me!"

Believe it? Well that is the true story. I know I felt the right thing at the beggining on March, April and May last year. I did ask him, and he never told me. Rememver when he said there is this girl that had a crush on him? He said that girl is so crazy about him. And he as one of "the loyal bf" will always run away from her so that they'll not meet up. And there are one time that he told me. "Don't call me.. or else she'll know when I'm coming home / she will get crazy.. etc etc."

And after in know the story I can conclude that actually they are together at that time, or may be he don't want the girl to get angry because I call him? Or he don't want the girl to know anything about me?

I sense there are something wrong. But then I don't have any prove until last week when i come across to one email. kenny.ff@gmail.com . I don't even know that this email address exist. Guess what.. the password is the same. and did you know what i found there ? Its all the conversation of Kenny and the girl since march or April ? And One thing that I'm really really sad and hurt is when he come and xisit me, he even update his situation with the girl everyday and label the tittle as "Day 0", Day 1, "Day 2" till "Day 8" . Can you imagine how cruel he is ?He spend his time with me. and I am so happy that he actualy come so far from USA to visit me because I think that he love me ? and he said that is my birthday gift... But when these thing happen, I felt like he is totally stranger. I don't even know him. Whether the word that he utter is true or just fake?

I always trust him. 100% because that is the way it suppose to be. because in my nick name in msn, "Akleincney (Long Er Championship Defender of Heartlilly, 100% perfectly (L) Yang Guo in US)". So from this i need to love him 100%.. no less.. but can be more.

When I think about this again. Do you think it worth it to try one more time, even if you know that he cheated on you before? Do you think that I need to give up these four years? Or should i forgive him and forget about all this crap?

I lose about 3kgs when i knew about this. I can't even eat, and every one is asking what wrong with her ? My mum say "what happen to your face?" .. I just said " I got headache".

That night i cant sleep. I try to force myself to sleep but then again, after 2 hours, i woke up again. And i though that it is a dream. a bad dream. But then i confirm it is a dream, i go and log in to the email address again. and there i read the conversation again.. and this time, i told my self. "This is not a dream.. face it.. he cheat on you". He even turn to some one's squid than rather being you lao kong.

I really felt painful inside me. I don't know what should I do. I cry a lot.. and it really really hurt me.. Mum and dad ask me to go to Miri to fect those two worker and Uncle. And one the way, I just wish that I had an accident. I just pray that i crash on something, so that i can get hurt, being hospitalise, then lost my memory or worst lost my life. I try so hard to be lost control, but then it never happen.

When reach miri, and done all the task, i call Alvin .. I told him the story. He ask me to calm down and just be strong.. At that time i really miss him. Cos when i always has problem, he will be there when i call or look for him. At least he just there listen. But now he in Auzzy with his love one. So it not good to disturb a sweet couple with my personal problem.

Then i realise my life is so empty without Kenny. Can I just ignore him, and not talk to him for the rest of my life>? Can i just easily forget about him? Can i get used to not talk to him, not hearing his voice?

Then on the way home, when i nearly reach Muara, I received sms from him. I try to ignore, and try not to talk to him. But then I told my self. "if you want to end the relationship, at least told him why, whats wrong, so that he know what make you feel this way.

So when i reach home, i go online, call him using voip, and then i told him that ;

Me: "Don't get angry with me if i do wrong thing or something that make you not happy"
He: "Erm"
Me: " I found out something that I should suppose to know"
He: "mm..m"
Me: " When did you turn to some one's squid? Why is there jellyfish? Why did you do thing like this to me? Why you hurting me? Why you come back to see me when at the other side you keep on updating your situation with other girl? Why did you answer me call every night when you found other people that you like ? Why did you come and make me so happy then make me hurt like this? Is all the thing that you said to me is fake?
All the love and affection that we have also fake?
He: .... No.. its is not fake. That is true.. The thing that i said to you when I'm visiting you is true..
Me: Why did you do all these thing to me ? You happy when you play me like this? Am i just a joke?
He: you are not.. Lao po.. I love you. I love you..
Me: Don't say you love me when you are not
He: Lao po.. I really love you
Me: If you do love me why did you do thing like this to me?
He: .. /quite/
Me: If you don't love me, tell me.. I won't disturb you anymore. I'll just disapear. If you love other girl, also tell me. Don't make fun of me like this.
He: ../quite/
Me: Why you never told me this thing?
He: Its already past. Its nothing now..
Me: How do i know you don't have any feeling for her anymore?
He: Me and her is not going to work out. We don't have any future together. My future is with you.
Me: How you know we have future together?
He: I know. My future only with you.
Me: Why should i believe in you?
He: ... /quite/..
Me: If a person didn't eat for few days will there something bad happen?
He: yes. Something bad will happen
**He know that i didn't eat. Then he change topic. He ask me to go eat ..
He: Go eat ..
Me: Don't want
He: Go eat..
Me: Don't want
He: Go eat.. Lao po ~ go eat..
Me: You haven say "I'm sorry"...
He: Lao po.. I'm sorry... I 'm sorry.. I don't dare la.. Forgive me..
Me: What if now you say sorry then later you do it again?
He: I wont do it anymore..
Me: You haven swear..
He:I swear.. I wont do it again.
He: Go eat..
Me: I'm not hungry..
He: Go eat..
Me: Unless you promise me one thing first
He: Go eat..
Me: Promise~
He: Go eat..
Me: Promise First!!
He: Ok .. I promise...
Me: You need to on you msn every time. Cannot offline..
He: Go eat..
Me: Lao kong !! promise!!
** suddenly saw him online la.**
He: Go eat..
Me: Later
He: Go eat ~~
Me: I'm tired.. don't want to eat... i want to sleep
He: Must eat o..


So that is the thing that happen to me.. And until now he still online. And he love me even more.

i don't know if this will continue.. or he just want me to forgive him, and may be he feel bad because he cheat on me. But i hope this is real. I hope he won't do it again.

But who can tell or even sure that he will not doing it again ? So I think I can't trust him 100% anymore, as he doesn't appreciate on what I am doing. He throw away the chance that I give to him. So he desert to be treat like that.

I did felt bad if I treat him badly, because he is the most important person to me. So I just continue to love him as the way it is. Show him that I still want him to be with me. I still love him even he did something bad to me.

There one time that I think deeply. Either to still be with him? Or just leave him, and stay alone for some times, waiting for my true love to come and look for me. Can I easily forget about him in just a blink? Or will it take a very long time for me to do that ? Will my real prince come rescue me? Will my true love come? Or is it exist?

Our memory are so sweet. Even though it just for 5 days, but then we really did a lot of thing together. He really show that he love me. I know those affection is real. I know that my feeling for him is real. But to think that he even have an affair with other people, it really struck my heart. Feel like there are big knife that cut through my heart.Really painful.

So can I make promise to myself now? Can I say that if he did hurt me like this, please ... don't make me forgive him. Please give me the courage to leave him. Far from his life. And I did told him that if he did the same thing again, don't expect me to be there for him. I will just dissapear from his life. He can't even find me anymore. And I won't contact him to tell what went wrong. I'll just vanish from his sight. Can I make it ?

posted by akleincney @ 7:53 AM