Up And Down In AKLEINCNEY's World

i dont know whether i do the right ting or not.. but i dont like this feeling.. it very jard to breath inside.. he doesnt seem like notice anything weird.. seem like nothing wrong.. i cant stand it.. what wrong with me? i try not to think about him too much.. and try to stay far from him.. dont disturb him.. what will happend if i saty stop to it? will this relationship go to an end? and how will he react? will he come after me ? or it doesnt have any effect to him ? what should i do ?

why I feel like I am not been appreciate? what wrong with calling to say you miss some one and then being scolded by saying "you again ?" shouldn't that person be happy to hear from his love one? but ironically, he get mad when he heard your voice.. seem like you are the last person that he hope to contact him.. and then after finish scolding, he expect you to apologized.. what kind of world is this ? must we have reason when we miss some body just to hear their voice? I wonder is it only him threat girls like that ? or there also other people ... when do the deep thinking, i felt like I'm unwanted. whats the point for sending sms and say you love this person forever when in real you doesn't feel that way ? I don't think he mean what the wrote in the sms.. why it change after been together for few years? last time used to be him are the one that got love sick and keep on sending me sms and try to contact me.. but why not anymore? is it he find others? is he too busy until he get mad all the time ? or is it I am the one that change? I don't felt so.. cos I been like this since the first time I met him. so who to blame? do i need to follow all his order? and keep up with his time? I don't have my personal time? I don't have work to do ? I don't have other stuff that I need to worry about? I do.. but I also can make free time when he contact me.. but why he cant? what will happen when I stop calling him ? will he jump like crazy and feel happy about it ? will he? or will he at least figure out some thing wrong and miss me? I wonder will he? god please make me brave, please make me strong.. I can do this.. I am strong.. I'm clever.. and I am the top student in the class.. I cant afford to lose this.. I cant become weak in relationship.. I have my own roles.. and i wont give up for some guy that are not guarantee to love me forever.. and I felt like the security feeling is gone.. no more happy stuff that we can do together.. when we talk, it seem like I am the one do the talking.. just like he cant wait to hang up the phone.. and he hesitate to answer my phone too.. then what is the point of becoming his special person when he threat you like that ?

woke up at 6 something and wait for kenny.. cos he said he'll be back in the lab at 6.00pm .. i called..but no one answer the phone im not sure whether the phone got prob ornot.. i called to 5211 but the guy said he's not around so dunnow how to find him.. huai dan!!.. i got night mare last nite dream about guai sou.. i really wish that she saty away from my life... eerrrrgg... ngau ngau ngau!!..

As the new semester start, i expect my my free time will become less, as i need to attend for classes and doing all the assessment... but it doesnt really affect my routine.. my class are too short as i only took 3 units this semester.. and i only have class on tuesday, wednesday and thurs.. but all the class has big gap so there are lots of free time for me to stay in my room and do nothing.. "watch movie, cartoon, listen to song, browse through all nonsense stuff and imagine all day long... and most of the time was used to imagine bad stuff... which make me get headache always." im not sure why i turn out to be so pathetic.. i think i need to change.. but then when i cant find him.. i start to worry this and that.. urgghhh... idiot me..

hey i wonder wether i can be her friend or not.. cos i dont want to threat her as the guai sou.. but i cant help it haha.. cos kenny say she is guai sou.. and very dangerous girl.. that he need to stay away and he also dont want to to have any relationship with that guai sou.. because he said the girl might say something that will make me misunderstand and will make our relationship become worst, as she like him.. so he said dont stay near to her.. but im wandering how his actual feeling to the girl as she move to his next door, and work together in the lab, become the tutor together.. and i think she also like anime and all the stuff that both of us enjoyed.. so may be thats y he like to hang out with her.. But ~.. i think that should be ok.. cos he promised me he wont do other serious stuff with her and wont fall for he...erm ... this part is quite scary and i dont know how far their relationship will grow.. i hope it wont affect me and kenny... and im going tther next year so it should be no problem .. well i hope so.. cos i'll go crazy when something goes wrong.. but i think if we can be friend then it wont make the situation become worst right, cos its better then threating her as enemy which will make my head explode and waste my time of worrying all the unnecessary stuff... rite ~

``i stil cant sleep cos just now laokong say we'll talk again later when he go to work.. but then he just sms me and said he need to attend seminar so he wont be around untill 6p.m his time.. whch will be 7a.m here... and he want me to go sleep first.. but instead of going to sleep, here i am.. writing this history journal.. hiak hiak hiak...

oh ya.. just now.. we went to the tutorial class for international marketing.. the first case study presentation is not impresing at all.. and the mix up the answer ~ actually they doesnt really answer the question at all.. which make all of us confuse of what are they talking about.. haha.. but the last one not bad cos it really interesting.. eg.. insuranse premium to cover the natural disaster issues,.. and political and also currency (financial).. so if there anything wrong with any of those three.. the company no need to worry about losses, as the insurance company will take responsible for it.. nice one rite ~.. but i wonder how much the premium cost.