Monster
I try to sleep but lately.. sleeping is one big problem that i face.. it very hard for me to rest and to try to close my eyes. i keep on thinking non stop.. i dont know why i act like that.. last nite.. when i fall asleep.. then i dream bout kenny sign in his msn.. so then i automatically wake up.. and i check my pc.. but saw his status being set as away.. then i ly back again.. but then i notice i had been sign out from the msn.. so i sign in again.. but then i saw his statues is online.. so it quite weird, cos i know he is working that time.. so i wonder is it the girl again>? or he actually haven left for work. but then i call and no one answer the phone.. then i send msg but he doesnt reply/.. i too tired.. so i just ly back and wait for him to reply me.. but at 4 something.. i wake up again and saw he offline already... im not sure is it him or other ppl.. but now i keep on waiting for him to come back send me sms.. but i think may be he too tired and fall asleep.. so dont want to bother him.. and i think need to wait for tonight or tomorrow so i can find him.. im abit worry about him cos i dont know whtehr he back already or not.. but i believe he can take god care of himself.. and wont let any bad thing happen to himself.. but then i remember that ihv a weird dream last nite.. i dream that we talk with my dad.. and i saw kenny smoking.. then i take the cigar from him.. but then he pull another one from his pocket.. and i find that he also turn to become an alcoholic.. but then i scold him and he suddenly get mad and kiss me.. that dream really feel real. cos i still can feel the kiss and the taste of it.. it really melt me down.. and make me miss him a lot.. lao kong.. i love you.. if i gone will you come and search for me? will you worry about me ? will you miss me? i need to know how yuou feel about me..
peaceful mind ?
Wee have a fight again yesterday..
I'm not sure whether it been
categories as the same thing or not but I really not happy about it.. he hang up on me... as
I'm not valuable at all.. well may be I deserve it ? or he goes too much.. cant sleep the whole night.. keep on wake up and think too much.. and i come up with this
though; -
- He hang up on you
- He don't really care on how you feel
- Say "I love you" become so hard to utter out
- He always has lots of excuse to hang up
- You look for him all the times but very hard to find
- Bad temper (Easily get mad)
- Crying become a habit, instead of laugh and cheerful days
- You feel like you never wish to be born
- You feel like no one care about you anymore
- Its very hard to breathing
- Very hard to swallow your breath
Is this reason cause the love to fade ? Is this the reason why people break up ? Is this the reason why people say the long distance relationship is difficult?
Don't dare to think about it.. what if I make the first move ? will it turn up to be ok? will it change my life? make it better off or worst? will it got any effect to him? or that is the best solution? Will he come back to me if I say that word? or he'll just turn his back and walk away like I never exist in his life? I really want to know.. is it worth it to make a try? should I? or you want me to leave it like this and make it worst? because I can't see the bottom line of this mess.. it turn out that the problem keep on coming this few weeks.. I'm not sure.. why am I so blurr?? I'm so genius in my study.. but why can't I handle this problem ? What love really mean ? Is it enough to just say.. nite nite.. huggss.. muak.. love you.. without any other affection? Is it enough ? Just to speak for few mins a day? Without seeing each other for few month or years? Is this ......
im not sure.. why i always write here when im feeling down.. i guess what researcher said wa correct.. you will fell better when you write how you feel anywhere.. it help to release all the pain in the heart... but i dont know why should i write everyday.. as it seem that im not happy every day... when i feel happy, i never write it out.. but when im sad or so depress... i always turn to this blog and throw everything here.. i wish no one know about it.. just myself.. i cant find him again.. and this is not the first time.. it keep on happenning.. and i hv the feeling of just give up.. i think it should be much better because i no need to think about anything.. and doesnt need to bother about any one... and there nothing that will make you sad or headache or like there something that so heavy on top of you.. untill you dont have the energy to do anything... even i try to work so much.. make myself busy.. but it still haunt me.. i really hope i can lost my memory.. or being knock by something.. so i wont wake up so i dont have to worry about my life.. but the book that i read mention that there are lots of wonderful stuff in this world that need to be tresure.. and if there no sadness, there alno will be no happiness.. there must be an opposit of something.. but tell you the truth.. its really really hard for me.. i really want to scream.. or just leave this stupid life.. meet some one that make me happy.. some one that care lots about me.. meet some one that see i am the most important in life.. i dont know why do i need to cry alot.. no one even know how i feel.. not even him.. then whats the point of getting together when you dont share everything.. it seem like i turn become a total stranger.. and he suddenly disapear from my life.. there are lots of stuff that missing.. i really miss the old me.. when i laugh everyday.. joke around.. tell stories.. and make fun of other stuff...which is so happy and wonderful.. but i dont know why it trun out to be like this.. when the time we be together get longer.. it seem like he go farther.. and soo far that i cant even know where to find him... every time when i can find him.. well he just say he really tired.. and some times not feeling well.. and i dont want to burden him with how i feel.. how i change everyday.. i see ppl get together.. always care for each other.. respect for each other.. and even keep on communicate with each other always... so im not sure whether i can live my life like this... i don know whether i can continue to be like this.. pretend like i dont care at all. and pretend like there are nothing that happend... i really wish i have the gut to say.. "stop.. i dont want to continue .." and say if you not looking for me.. i wont disturb you at all.. and wait and see how he going to do after that..but the problem is that i love him too much.. that i dont even dare to say no when he say some thing.. i wrote him email and say im sorry to make his life miserable and wont disturb him .. but i dont know whther i can do as what i write there.. i really cant .. i cry silently.. so no one know.. even when i talk to him.. he say im crying but i deny it.. i just say i got flue or some thing.. so i wont make him feel worry.. i kept on thingking whether i can live without him or not.. but its very hard to try.. and even very hard to think about it.. i dont know when will this thing going to end.. i really wish it end soon.. i wish there no problem in my relationship.. and i wish he is the right one for me.. and i also wish i can be strong ..
everyday waiting like this look like a fooled.... tired of waiting for so long but just talk for few mins and need to wait for another day... wait for the wholde day and just can talk for not more that 30 mins... this is so depressing... rreally hope that i can leave this life style and might good if can reverse it.. so ppl are waiting for me.. not me.. isnt that good ?
some one please help me !!
should I write or not ? but I need some body to talk to now.. I can't find him.. i called his room but instead the girl answer.. I can't believe it... Why she have the key to his room ? Why ?? He not even there and why should she be in there ? and why should she answer the phone ? It seem like she live there, she own everything over there... then what about me ? am I living in the reality ? Am I been cheated blindly ? Am I that stupid to be fooled? I don't know what should I do .. Why this thing always happen to me >?? Why always ? It always happen when I just want to forget about everything.. Why he can't just confess or at least come up with a really good reason ? Why he still want me ? Why he still say he love me ? It seem so fake.. Why he introduce his family to me ? And why he come back to look for me ? Why ???? and make me so upset about all this ... He make me happy, then make me worry.. then break my heart like this... He know that I don't like there another girl in the relationship... He always say he don't know what happen to the girl anymore.. but why the girl in his room while he was out ? This is totally insane... He drive me crazy.. He always convince that I must calm down.. must believe him... say he only love me .. but if so.. why is this thing happening? Not only once.. but through out the whole year... if he want that girl so much.. go for it.. and say some thing to me.. don't pull me and tie me not letting me go.. it is very hard to decide what should I do... I love him very much.. but I don't want to share with others. I really don't know what to do... some one please help me !!
well... at last i had done everything.. i went back to Miri last Saturday and fixed the internet connection (bought new modem) so the internet connection can be establish (last time the modem is not functioning well and cant establish connection to the computer thats y have problem in accession the internet.. but now everything turn out to be good again) so yesterday i feel like dont want to come back to Brunei because in brunei i cant use the msn messenger to establish conversation so cannot see kenny through web cam.. arhh.. so long din see him already.. really miss him... but im going to stay here for two more weeks, then will be back again to Miri to start my classes... i need to register on the 24th.. so need to go back at 23rd.. so yesterday also enroll the MBA exam which will be held in KDU Management centre in kl on January 4th.. so i will go there with papa and mama on the 3rd and fly back on the 6th.. really hope can get through it.. and one more thing.. tomorrow the exam result will be out.. really hope it is a good one..
